Autism
I learned something of great value last night:
autistic friends showing up to me and telling me it’s ok to be autistic.
The tv shows I like, the characters relatable, and the fire of individuality in my belly strike hot. The definitions I lived through into this current moment have bound me in this struggle, trying to be this “normal.”
At every sign of adversity I shudder away I do not want to be different
(!) But last night, by my friends being different, made me feel normal ❤
& I have never felt that in a normal world.
— — —
In 2022, 25 yo, I wrote this poster board of words that describe me: 3 words I believe but feel bad about, and 6 evil words I’ve heard before.
“So I’ve been living with the incorrect definitions”
grace really means mercy | clemency | pardon
If you notice, the path leading forward is boring, corporate. At the time I was thinking about what jobs to do next, “I need something stable, so I can focus my energy, lean into my feminine and relax into the way of being I find comfortable.”
The way of the fun path is a step down, but oh how it goes over the yellow brick road, through the forest, down the stream, and up the hill. “THAT is the life I want to live. THAT hill is where the dream career will take me.”
These are the thoughts I have with each glance reminder at this poster board: Oh yeah, the colorful is who grace is, she is mercy, she is clemency.
— — —
Hearing different sounds in different ears, having synesthesia and seeing a green-apple-type-of-feeling in someone’s shining eyes, all include types of ways people experience autism—it’s a creative, colorful way of seeing life! It’s all inclusive and all expansive! It can be such a bigger way to experience the world than this tiny, forced way to act that removes love
— — —
One dissociative instance last night
Two friends and I started to talk about autism, and eventually they started talking about Asperger’s, the origin of the title, and why that name is off the charts now—being too discriminatory to hold value any longer.
I started getting antsy, I even said under my breath at one point, “This makes me angry, I don’t know why.”
Next thing I know, I put my sunglasses on (part of my Halloween costume of a character who, I just realized in that conversation, is autistic too…). My dear friend who makes me feel so safe and heard, turns to me and apologizes, “I’m sorry, I know you don’t like these conversations. Let’s talk about something else.”
I was so shocked, to be picked up on during a dissociative state is something so special I think more people should be able to experience. I didn’t even know my experience. But I was getting ready to moon walk away from the conversation and dip out. But she saw it…before I got too uncomfortable, and told the new friend too, and we all got to change the conversation together
It makes me want to be around more autistic-spectrum-alikes, around colored hair and funny interests. We’re ok for being like this, and god it’s hard to be in a world that tells us this weird
I’m still not confident in it, and I hate myself a lot of the times for being the way that I am — But people being around me encouraging who I am, makes it a god-awful-lot better.
So to anyone who relates a smidgen to this, i Love you, and we can be loved without having to explain why
